A final yet desperate attempt at some Peace

After trying to understand different techniques, spending hours on astro.com figuring out what exactly a vertex is, what makes people trine, if my venus is so-so or feeling cheeky- i have finally given up thinking i could do this on my own and i am now asking for anyone to just give me some peace of mind, just a nudge in the right direction because right now i am torn, the doubt is what is truly breaking me inside, if i could know for sure – this is it, you just be happy, live everyday to your fullest, this is your fate, this man is the one for you and everything that has happened and everything you felt in your heart was not just your wishful thinking or imagination gone wild, it will be and now just let it go and LET it be for gods sakes, orrrr..maybe there was something but it was only meant to be for that period of time, you have to move on and let the hope go, its unfair to yourself as it is to the other person, i never would want anyone to be with me against their will, if i would for a second think that there was no chance at all and they hated me i would walk away and wish them well, but the thing is i dont know for sure. This is the story, i had a very troubled life until now, much pain and loneliness, ever since i was a child, i am not sad but proud that i have lived through some pretty not ok situations as a small child until now, my 27th year, and because of my childhood i always felt unwanted, because that is how i was made to feel, like there was always something wrong with me, and i grew up believing i was a stupid dumb ugly not even worth talking to person- everything i ever did was criticized and for the smallest things i was punished and when i did good i was told that no one would say thank you to me for doing something that i should be doing in the first place. I was sent away at the blink of an eye, no one ever talked to me about anything expect when i did something wrong, i grew up ashamed of my feelings because i was told that my feelings didnt matter, that i was over-sensitive, a weirdo, that my problems were not the same importance as my mothers, she never talked to me about personal hygiene, boys, how to behave as a normal girl in front of boys, how to stand up for myself, even silly things like going to buy my first bra or when i got my period for the first time- she went out and bought me the bra herself it was the wrong size, and when i got my period she just shoved me a pad and i didnt know what was happening like REALLY KNOW i never heard of this she never told me, so i dont know why but i thought that it would stop at night? no idea why, but i didnt wear the pad so at night i woke up and it was all bleeding and red and i still didnt really know what was going on so i got scared that i was dying and she knew but didnt care so i ran to her room and started crying because i was scared and she pulled my by my hair and said i was stupid and how could i think the bleeding would stop at night and actually hit me for that- and to this day i still dont understand why she just couldnt explain. This is just a small example, i moved like 47 times, dad was abusive towards my mom, i fought with him to keep her safe, we finally ran away from him and i was so happy thinking now we could have peace, but my mother thought different, she got a boyfriend a month after we ran away from my father, my stepdad is the same only he doesnt hit her, but the controlling mean sadistic spirit of my father he inhibits- anyway long story short- no one ever really cared for me so i learned to care for myself but the people being mean to me always stuck- i learned to close my room, be quiet and thank god for the internet and books i started learning and reading since i was 5, i went on becoming best of my class, always had the best grades, went to university, got my bachelors degree in international relations and diplomacy, now im doing my masters, i speak 5 languages fluently, passionate about a range of subjects, i love art and music and poetry, because i was told i was ugly i of course tried to overcompensate, so i work out, eat healthy, have a whole skincare routine, always try to look my best, most of my money goes to make up and hair treatments and just self loving, im not saying im miss universe perfection but im certainly not the ugly duckling they have made me out to be. I love my life, and i learned to love myself even though i was strictly told that that was just plain crazy and stupid- yet in one thing alone i seem to be very stupid. Love. Maybe the parents, maybe the fear of rejection, abandonment, not being good enough, maybe i am just not someone to be with someone, i dont know. I had a couple of relationships, it didnt work out and because i have learned to protect my heart, after the ending of a relationship which broke my heart and still made me love the person, in order for me to keep breathing under the pain, i told myself, he doesnt love you, its over, done, over, he never did never will- and that was the way i did things, because it was easier and it didnt hurt as much as hope. No one ever gave me much hope so, im kinda low on that part, anyways, getting to the point here, then i met this boy, and the minute i saw him, i recognized him, i heard whistles and bells in my ear (like for real, this had never happened to me and i dont mean to freak you out but i really heard bells and whistles when i saw him, i dont know what that was but im not making it up) then i had this weird feeling i really knew him, but i also knew he never crossed my path- i would have remembered, then we find out we live in the same town, in the same area, less than 1km apart, went to the same school, i used to walk past his house and yet we never met, until that day. He is actually everything i ever wanted, even his name was a name i told myself would be either my sons or my husbands, i have weird coincidences of me posting a post on instagram about something 2 years ago- a lyric from a song, and it is practically describing him, his life, something about him, and not everyday things but really things that not a lot of people have or do so – i think that he is the one for me. we instantly became friends and lovers and i believe, and this is not easy for me to say, but i believe he also felt the same. And then i started to get scared- what if he leaves me what if im not good enough what if he is only using me what if he is only joking around who am i kidding im not good enough he is way better and one thing after another- i had stupid conflicts with him because i thought better me to walk out first than to be hit by him and hating myself ever more- but still i couldnt walk away for good and everntually we fought and i panicked and my self esteem was lower than low- and he told me he never had feelings for me to begin with, i remember that day, i cried and i left and i never reached out to him again. at first i tried to talk myself into the whole he doesnt care you dont deserve love your stupid- but i have this hope, out of nowhere it came, never did i have it, but i have this hope and this feeling in my heart that he is the one and i dont know what to do- i wont do anything anyways- i would never beg or call, but i would hope and that hope would be enough because i would know that he is the one and if he is not than i would let him go and have peace and give myself some peace too, my poor heart has been through a lot and i sometimes cant feel myself anymore- please help me understand, i really have nothing else but my stupid heart and my stupid head telling me different things at the same time. I do see him around, he always looks at me, he always looks at me longer than usual, he laughs when i tell a joke when were at friends, when i look back he never looks away, we always look each other straight in the eye for a good couple of minutes, i feel like i can understand him but i cant because i dont know what to think of this. I want to be free of this, i dont think this is good for either of us, me holding him back with my grip (even though i dont speak to him its still a vibration im holding) or me being afraid its all not true even though he maybe thinks about me too all the time…

sorry for this long story but i wanted to make sure you understood the situation

how do i upload the chart- what kind of chart (on astro.com should i select?) i dont know his time of birth only the date and city- i do have my exact time and place and city- i know the exact date we saw each other, the time we split, the time we split the second final time and the dates i saw him twice after that too.

anything else you need to know, i will be refreshing this page for like 500 times so ill be quick to answer

to the person that is going to make my life better thank you in advance i dont know who you are but i already am thanking god for you.